Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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