God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
