please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
