I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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