hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
