your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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