and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
