If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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