How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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