one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
