Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
