i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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