We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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