I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
