Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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