I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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