IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
