wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
