K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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