Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
