Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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