I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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