If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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