took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
