idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
