I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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