i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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