i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
