I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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