You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
