theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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