i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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