I think I died a long time ago.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
