I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
someone threw a dead crab at me
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
