$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
