All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
