i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
