Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
