Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
