Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
