next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He passed out mid-signature
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
