Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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