I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My penis needs a shock collar
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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