You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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