i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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