Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
