Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
