ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
