Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
