She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
