nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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