i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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