so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
