I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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