I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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