I just threw up on my dentist
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
