so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
