maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Welp...herpes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize