I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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